Moroni's Review of "Snow White and the Huntsman"

Occasionally, I will pick up a DVD at a movie rental (remember movie rentals?), look at the case, and think, "Oh, this looks good."

Then I will take it home, pop it in, and realize, "Hey, I saw this in the theater!  How is it that I didn't remember?"

Some movies are just that forgettable.  That's the way that "Snow White and the Huntsman" was.  I let my blog slide a little bit.  In the interim, I had gone to see three movies, and - for the life of me - I could not remember what one of them was.  It took a while to remember.  That's how forgettable this movie was.  It made little impact on me.

This adaptation of the old fairy tale had some awesome visual effects.  But this is one of those movies where you realize that special effects are not enough to redeem a movie.  They did have some awesome creatures, though.  And I think some of my younger kids would have liked this movie.

It is unfortunate that they selected Kristen Stewart for the role of Snow White.  She annoys me to no end.  Couldn't they have picked someone more.... Snow Whitey?  The delivery of her performance was such that I expected her to be wearing a John Deere baseball cap along with her armor.

Chris Hemsworth did an okay job as the huntsman sent to kill her, but then he takes pity on her and becomes her protector of sorts.  His thick Scottish accent was a bit over-the-top.  Why is it that Scottish accents are so prevalent in these types of movies?  Must every character sound like Shrek?  ("Donkey!")  And if I hear my wives gush about how good-looking he is one more time, I am going to puke.  Just saying.

The best performance of the movie was Charlize Theron as the wicked Queen Ravenna.  She was coldly beautiful and added a grace and an elegance to the movie that was chilling.

Halfway through the movie, I whispered to my wives, "So we are watching a Snow White movie with no dwarves?"

Don't worry.  There are dwarves.  And it took me a minute to realize that they were all actually famous actors with their faces superimposed on the bodies of little people - Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Brian Gleeson, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost.  I even read on Wikipedia (while I was still in the movie) that there were some Little People advocacy groups that protested that fact.  That is awesome.

There is a love triangle between Snow White, the rugged Huntsman, and her childhood friend, William, who had given her up for dead.  In case you are waiting for that subplot to resolve itself, if the romantic in you wants to see which man Snow White will pick, don't fret too much.  She never does pick.

But that's okay.  Just like my anesthesiologist told me before my colonoscopy last week - you won't remember a thing.

Moroni's Review of "Rock of Ages"

It was Father's Day, and, after a kind of hard week, I was ready for some lighter fare.  So when the girls told me that they would take me to a movie, I picked "Rock of Ages".

I didn't regret it.

The movie is cheesy.  But it is funny - sometimes unintentionally so.  All in all, it is great fun.

It seems that "Glee" has changed the landscape of our entertainment culture, making a musical like "Rock of Ages" possible.  All of the songs are big-hair anthems that I grew up with in the 1980s, and I couldn't help but finding myself singing along.

Who cares about the story when you have got great music like this?  Based on a Broadway play, the story tells the story of two young aspiring musicians - Drew Boley (played by Diego Boneta) and Sherrie Christian (played by the annoying Julianne Hough) - who move to Los Angeles in a 1980s that barely resembles the '80s I knew and grew up in.  They both meet at a rock club on the Sunset Strip called the Bourbon Club, owned by two rockers played by Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin (both of whom stole the show).

The story is centered around the final show of Arsenal, an imaginary rock band headed by Tom Cruise as the Axl Rose-esque Stacee Jaxx.  Cruise's performance is beautifully incoherent.  (All my wife Temple could notice was Jaxx's abs.  LOL)  There is a fiendish plot by Jaxx's sleazy manager (in a brilliant performance by Paul Giamatti) to take all of the proceeds for himself, and the mayor's wife (played by Catherine Zeta-Jones) who believes that rock and roll is Satan's music and is bound and determined to clean up the Strip and close down the club.

Every other tune is a rock classic from the '80s, and the characters break into song every couple of minutes. However, to me, having grown up in the '80s, it seemed a bit incongruous.  When did headbangers ever belt out "We Built This City" with passion?  The rockers I knew would have puked at the thought.  And the story takes place in 1987.  Which rocker was into Foreigner by then?

There were a couple of cool things.  I fought back waves of nostalgia when one of the scenes took place in Tower Records, one of my inner sanctums as a youth.  Rather than paying attention to the movie, I looked at the vinyl collection in the background.  Some set designer placed such gems as Christian Death and Killing Joke in the background.

The other fun part of the movie were the mash-ups.  Rarely was an '80s anthem sung by itself.  It was brilliantly combined with another classic.  "Juke Box Hero" with "I Love Rock 'N' Roll".  "We Built This City" with "We're Not Gonna Take It".

And the best part of the whole movie - a duet between Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin singing "Can't Fight This Feeling".

This is a movie that laughs at itself.  Hence, it is fun.  My wives and I loved it.  A few days later, my wife Temple bought the soundtrack.

Moroni's Review of "Prometheus"

I was old enough to remember the first movie in the "Alien" franchise.

Okay, I was nine years-old when it came out, and there is no way in hell my parents would let me go see a rated-R movie in the theater.  But three years later, this movie was ubiquitous on cable TV, and I watched it many, many times.

Now, the Alien  movies have had a significant impact on our culture, and we know the routine - the alien looks like an octopus, lays an egg in your chest, alien pops out of chest, and turns big and deadly.

But the first time I watched that movie, there was nothing like it.  You didn't know what to expect, and the morphology of the creature truly felt...  well, alien.  And unexpected.  The film was low budget, back in the day before there were big special effects.  The movie had to rely on good acting, suspense, and fleeting glimpses of the monster.  Much of the drama was left to your imagination.

Now jump 33 years into the future for the feature film "Prometheus".  It is no secret that this is a prequel to 1979's "Alien", and, once again, Ridley Scott is helming the project - one of my favorite directors.

My girls really didn't care to see this one, but they went with me, because they knew how much I wanted to see it.  So my feelings on it?  Kind of mixed.

Visually, the film is stunning.  The landscapes, the special effects, the cinematography - all of it very excellent.  In that way, the film blew me away.

The film tells the story of an archaelogical expedition to a faraway moon where evidence of an ancient civilization is located that might indicate the origins of the human species.  They locate evidence that this outpost met a horrific end, and soon that horror awakens and plagues the expedition.

The film truly captures the mystery and sense of the unknown that the first "Alien" film captured - the sense that we humans don't belong in outerspace, that we are out of our element, out of our domain, and that there are many nasty things out there that exist for no other reason than to do us bodily harm.

There was also a scene that will make any woman who has experienced pregnancy squirm.  My wife Temple spent most of the movie hiding behind her hands.

The acting was superb.  Noomi Rapace did an excellent job as the main character, Elizabeth Shaw.  Michael Fassbender as the andriod David stole the show.  Guy Pearce was unrecognizable in his prosthetics as the eccentric CEO of the Weyland Corp., a precursor to the amoral company that Ripley works for in the "Alien" franchise.  Charlize Theron had a disappointingly subdued role as the financier of the expedition - and daughter of Guy Pearce's character.  In fact, her role was the weakest link in the entire plot.  They really didn't explore it enough.

My biggest complaint was that they didn't explain everything.  The movie left you with more questions than answers.  When the movie ended, you felt vaguely dissatisfied with the way things turn out.

That doesn't mean that I don't recommend it.  And I truly hope that they will explore this prequel further to answer my unsettled questions.  Otherwise, "Prometheus" would become one hole in space.

Moroni's Review of "Men In Black 3"

Fifteen years ago, Martha and I took my dad's plural wife out to see a new movie called "Men In Black".  It was campy, funny, twisted and entertaining.  Both of my moms are from Mexico, and this one didn't speak English.  I remember that she was pleased that the opening sequence of the movie was in Spanish, and she liked that she could understand it.

Two years later, I met my second wife Temple, and she was a total MIB freak.  She adored this movie.  She thought that Will Smith was funny, and she kind of had a crush on Tommy Lee Jones.  (Ew.)  So it was inevitable that when "Men In Black 2" came out in 2002, that it was a date night for us.

A month or so ago, Temple insisted that she would be going to see "Men In Black 3".  I told her that it would be a date.  I reminded her that our first date together had been a Will Smith movie (Wild Wild West) that had ended with us making out in the theatre parking lot.  But we've been married for thirteen years, so "date night" included the kids.  That means no hot and heavy necking in the car, rather, buckling up car seats.

Temple had been psyching herself up for this movie and had been blaring the Pitbull song that is the theme song in her car, nonstop.  She was not disappointed after it was all over.

The movie tells of a long and tiring relationship between Agent J (Will Smith) and Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) that has become strained.  This was convincing, because there also seems to be a lack of chemistry between the actors that was once there.

The MIB franchise seems to produce some memorable villains.  Who can forget Vincent D'Onofrio's wonderful performance in the first movie?  Laura Flynn Boyle's role in the second film was kind of forgetable. I had to Google the movie to even remember that she was in it.  In the third installment, Jemain Clement was wonderful, but also totally unrecognizable.  It wasn't until later that I realized, "Hey, it's that guy from 'Flight of the Conchords'!"  He plays a villain called Borris the Animal, complete with all molar for teeth, and a scary creature that comes out of an ulcer in his palm.  (I hate ulcers.)  He escapes from a prison on the moon with an intent to travel back in time to kill Agent K, who put him in prison to begin with.

Agent J must then travel back to 1969 to rescue the young Agent K, played by Josh Brolin.  I have to admit - Josh Brolin's impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones was uncanny.  It was Spot.  On.  It was arguably the best thing of the movie.

Another brilliant piece was the cameo of Bill Hader playing Andy Warhol, who - of course - is involved with the Men In Black Agency.

These things - along with the soundtrack - were the best part of the movie.  The rest was kind of formulaic, lacking the spark of the original movie.  Don't get me wrong.  It was enjoyable.  Just not earth shattering.

That didn't keep Temple from dancing to Pitbull as the credits rolled up.  But trust me.  That was earth shattering - and worth it - enough for me.

One interesting note: the climax of the movie takes place at Cape Canaveral, Florida.  Our three year-old son Avery became excited when he saw the location, stood up and started shouting, "Hey, I remember that place!  Remember when we went there to feed the ducks?"  Must have been another movie, because I have never been there.