Moroni's Review of "John Carter"

So why would a Mormon polygamist write a review about the new Disney movie "John Carter"?

Maybe because most of the movie was filmed in and around Big Water, Utah - a place made notorious by the late polygamist, Alex Joseph.

Maybe because the author of the "John Carter of Mars" series, Edgar Rice Burroughs, conceived the idea of the first novel while vacationing in Springerville, Arizona - just minutes away from where I live. (In fact, the entire opening of "A Princess of Mars" was set on the hills and lava beds around Springerville.)

But mainly, this polygamist was excited for this movie, because as a child, I was an avid fan of the John Carter series. As a ten year-old, I collected beat-up and well-read copies of all the John Carter books, all the Tarzan books, and all the Conan books. I was ecstatic when "Greystoke" came out. I was disappointed when the R-rating of Arnold Schwartzenegger's "Conan the Barbian" prevented me from being able to see it (until I snuck a couple of viewings on late-night cable). I was also thrilled when Jason Moama's version of "Conan" came out (and a bit let down when I saw it.)

The release of "John Carter" was a dream come true - to finally see the iconic character from my youth come to the big screen. Edgar Rice Burrough's tale of a Civil War veteran magically transported to Mars spoke to a child's desire for larger-than-life adventures. There were swords, there were tall aliens with four arms, there was a buxom, red-skinned princess wearing few clothes and always needing to be rescued, and there were spider-men that ripped your head off and lived inside your body.

What more could a boy ask for?

To have a big screen version - that's what!

They have been talking about making this into a movie for a long time. In fact, John Carter came "this" close to becoming the first feature-length cartoon, beating out "Snow White". There were talks about Robert Rodriguez helming this piece. (It would have been a much different and very campy version.)

So it was with great anticipation that I donned the 3-D glasses within the 6-story IMAX at Arizona Mills. (It was my birthday weekend, no less.)

My take on it? Not disappointed! I have not enjoyed a 3-D experience like this since "Avatar"!

I know that the critics have panned this movie. I know that it has not done well in the box office. But this is the best movie I have seen in a while. Put art and pretense aside for a minute - this movie was all about adventure and being a child again, and it was a swashbuckling success in my book!

They have said that this movie was expensive to make. (You can tell.) It didn't garnish the returns in the box office that they expected. The demographic was men over the age of twenty-five. Duh! The people who wanted to see this were geek-men (like me) who read the books. You know, people who are old enough to know who Franz

Frazetta is.

Critics say that the movie lacked big-name actors to draw movie-goers. Taylor Kitsch was perfect as John Carter as well as believable, rugged and yet just pretty enough to resemble the John Carter of the Frazetta paintings. And Lynn Collins as Dejah Thoris... Ah, I have fond memories of Lynn Collins in "True Blood". She brought a modern confidence and bad-assery to the character that the original novel lacked, being not just scantily clad, but being a politician, warrior and inventor as well. Willem Dafoe has always been one of my favorite actors, and now he has portrayed one of my favorite aliens - the four-armed Tars Tarkas. Since his performance was largely voice and motion-captured, he is not visibly recognized, but anyone who recognizes his gravely voice will be pleased to enjoy his excellent performance.

Visually, this movie has no equal. The design of the film was very art nouveau and had the feel of an old 1930s Flash Gordon reel. The sets and scenery were explosive. You actually believed you were on Mars. The plot was quite good. It stuck fairly close to the original novel, although it did take some artistic license (the Thurns, the 9th Ray, etc.) to explain the implausibility of being transported to Mars. But let's be real - the story is 100 years-old. The science is a little lacking, so a better explanation was needed. And I did like the Zecharia Sitchin aspect that the writers added... Just enough to appeal to my inner conspiracy theorist.

I class movies into two categories - movies that you can't wait to be over, and movies that you hope never end. This movie was the latter. It doesn't have high aspirations beyond taking the viewer into a world of fantasy, and it succeeded. I do recommend. It is "Flash Gordon" meets "Stargate".

Since I am a Mormon polygamist, I feel inclined to comment on whether this movie is proper for kids to watch. I do recommend this movie for kids. It is clean and appropriate. John Carter - with his heroic leaping about and swinging of swords, boulders and chains - appeals to little boys as much as he did to me when I was a little boy. Dejah Thoris is a beautiful princess, so the girls will love her. But since many of my daughters are tomboys, they love that she kicks ass with a sword. My tiny boys loved the aliens, especially the baby aliens that hatch from eggs. In fact, my three-year old has asked for a "baby alien costume". Disney Marketing, please don't fail me now!